If you pay close enough attention, you’ll see that the Universe is constantly sending you little reminders.
Some are obvious. While others require more nudging.
This little red book was the nudge I didn’t know I needed.
To backtrack a bit, before I stepped into Barnes and Noble, I wasn’t looking for any books in particular.
The only problem I needed to solve was which book to read next.
As I browsed my favorite sections, nothing really jumped out at me.
So just before leaving, I headed to the bargain section, as I usually do.
That’s when I stumbled on You Can Be Happy No Matter What by Richard Carlson, Ph.D.
I quickly scanned it, saw that it was only $7 bucks (<$2 now), and decided it was the right book for me.
Talk about a #gamechanger.
Carlson’s Principles for Keeping Life in Perspective were simple, yet eye-opening.
It was like he was reading my mind.
Since his tips resonated so well with me, I decided to share my top 3 takeaways from his book with the hope that they help you in one way or another.
Consider this a sign from the Universe, not from little ol’ me. Technically they’re a sign from Dr. Carlson, but, you already knew that.
So let’s start with the most obvious.
#1: Overthinking Things in a Low Mood
We all experience low moods.
Whether it’s from fluctuating hormones, stressful events in our life (death, job loss, family illness, you name it), or just the changing of the moon and tides.
Low moods are inevitable.
They’re also unavoidable, according to Carlson, and they will pass, given some time.
But the problem is, we have a bad habit of making our low moods worse.
We use this horrible time to overthink things, and we feel the need to:
- Get to the bottom of stuff
- Tackle our most stressful problems
We also tend to dive too deep into what people are saying or doing.
Why didn’t they text me back? What did I do wrong? Screw them.
What did she mean by that? Seems passive aggressive.
Carlson also mentions that “low moods breed confusion and resentment.”
Thoughts like these tend to surface during these low times:
That’s it. I’m done working here. They don’t appreciate me enough.
I’ll show him. When I leave, he’ll see what he’s missing.
Lastly, these low moods encourage us to “express our feelings,” according to Carlson.
As a result, we’re more likely to confront people in this low state.
If you can’t already tell, this is a terrible way of dealing with things and we are only making matters worse.
Instead of using this time to sort out your biggest stressors in life, do just the opposite: give it space and time to pass.
In short, stop taking action in your low moods.
Wait for them to pass, as Carlson suggests.
Shift gears and do something fun or relaxing and get yourself out of the funk as soon as possible.
You shouldn’t take these moods seriously either, according to Carlson.
He mentions that you want to “ignore low moods rather than analyzing them and you’ll see how quickly they vanish,” and that, “Low moods are a distortion in our thinking.”
I couldn’t agree more with that logic.
Action tip: So chalk these low moods up to passing feelings that you have control over, and move on.
If you need help doing just that, his next two tips are right up your alley.
#2: Trying to Prove Your Point
Are you stuck in this mood because you’re arguing with someone close to you?
Or maybe you’re frustrated at work.
Your boss can’t seem to see things the way you do.
Newsflash: people will never see things the way you see them.
I’ve heard this before, yet, I always seem to forget it.
So here’s a reminder for both of us: We all carry baggage.
Even siblings who grow up in the same household don’t always see eye-to-eye on the same issues.
This baggage creates separate realities.
And this is what leads to arguments.
How could you not see it that way? Are you blind?
Save yourself the trouble and listen to these wise words from Carlson:
“When you expect to see things differently, you take it as a given that others will do things differently, and when you understand that others will react differently…the compassion we have for ourselves and for others rises dramatically.”
So stop trying to force people to see things the way you do. It will never happen.
Instead:
- Agree to disagree
- Try to see things from their perspective
- Get over it because sh!t just ain’t gonna change. Figure out how to work around this instead. You’re better off spending your energy here.
- Take accountability for your actions. What role did you play in this whole mess?
That last bullet seems to be the hardest out of all of them, at least for me.
In the heat of an argument, all we can think about is how we’ve been wronged or hurt.
We can’t see that we’re actually doing the same thing to the other person and that’s why they’re responding like this.
Action tip: So take ownership for what you did in the situation and accept that we all live in separate relaties.
And don’t expect the other person to do the same.
Unless they read some eye-opening article/book (like this one 😉 ), they’re not going to have a clue that they did anything wrong.
But you, my friend, are different.
You’re equipped with enough knowledge now to be almost dangerous.
You know when to back down. When to acknowledge your role in the situation. And that separate realities exist.
So you can happily move on, without sweeping things under the rug.
You can take accountability for your role in the situation and you won’t expect the other person to do the same.
These simple acts will remove those heavy weights you’ve been carrying on your shoulders.
Whether your argument was yesterday or two years ago, these same principles work and they will remove the stupid barriers we put up when we can’t accept that separate realities are inevitable.
Now, if you battle any sort of depression or anxiety symptoms, you’ll want to read this next section in conjunction with the one you just read.
#3: Living in the Past or the Future
In case you needed yet another reminder:
- Anxiety comes up when you focus on the future – the what-ifs, what lies ahead, etc.
- Depression comes on when our thoughts wander to our past – reliving moments/conversations/arguments, thinking about how awful/sad/or even better our past selves/life were
To be happy, you must truly stay present.
But, we all know this.
And it’s far easier said than done, right?
Yes and no.
The truth is, it’s a constant battle.
From moment to moment, and from one thought to the next.
Instead of putting yourself down for not living fully in the present, you can acknowledge your actions and shift both your mindset and perspective.
Wow. I’m dwelling on the past right now. Okay. Time to shift to the present….oohh look a butterfly!
Action tip: Give yourself permission to get lost in the moment instead.
Notice the breeze.
The shape of the clouds.
Anything besides what’s causing you to wander too far ahead or deep into your past.
You can even be a little ADD about it like my butterfly example.
If several things catch your eye, bounce back and forth between them.
Notice what’s right in front of you and then shift to focus on what’s behind what’s directly in front of you.
Stay in that moment and breathe.
Take deep cleansing breaths in and out and realize:
- You are okay
- You are healthy, alive, and in good shape compared to others in this world
- Your low mood will pass
- Any problems you’re facing will pass too
- Your obstacles will make you stronger
- You were only given what you could handle
These mindset shifts are enough to start changing things for you. So all you have to do is take that first step.
And any time you veer off, get yourself back on track. Don’t beat yourself up for wandering. Beat yourself up for staying down the wrong path.
You have control over your thoughts, your mood, and your overall well-being. I promise 🙂
So next time you’re feeling blue, re-visit this article or check out Carlson’s book You Can Be Happy No Matter What.
His book has plenty of other areas to focus on and I only shared my favorites with you today.
In the end, the choice to be happy is only yours to make.
If you’re feeling stuck or sad, I encourage you to continue the conversation in my private Facebook group.
There, you’ll find support and encouragement for tackling life’s toughest obstacles.
And if you know someone who could benefit from the tips we talked about today, please don’t hesitate to share this with them 🙂