In a perfect world, you’d be able to eliminate all of the toxic people in your life.
Sounds heavenly doesn’t it?
No more drama. No more energy drains. No more commitments with people you don’t like.
Sadly, that’s just not the world we live in though.
The fact is toxic people will come into and out of your life.
And sometimes it’s out of your control.
In most cases, you’re going to need to figure out how to work around them.
It could be your boss. A coworker. Or your spouse’s best friend.
The point is you don’t always have the luxury to get rid of these energy vampires, as psychiatrist and author Judith Orloff so appropriately refers to them as.
That’s when you need the skills to navigate these emotional roller coasters and that’s also what you’ll find here in today’s guide.
I’ll also share the top traits of toxic people so you can easily spot if one’s in your life.
If you can’t get rid of them, you’ll at least be able to deal with them respectfully.
And if you have the option to get them out of your life, you should definitely take it ;).
Before we jump in, I do want to mention that the points in today’s article are from the brilliant psychiatrist and author Judith Orloff so I can’t take any credit for them. I’m simply sharing her amazing message.
The first thing we need to tackle today is how to spot a toxic person.
In some cases it’s easy, but other times it can feel as elusive as a Keebler elf.
But, according to Orloff, there’s one surefire way to know:
How does this person make you feel?
Not everyone is going to give you butterflies and warm fuzzy feelings all the time.
But truly toxic people can change how you feel and leave you with an unsettling gut instinct.
Orloff mentions the following red flags that prove you’re in the presence of a toxic person:
- Are you suddenly in a terrible mood after being with them?
- Do you feel ill?
- Did you feel as though you weren’t being seen or heard?
- After you met with them, did you reach for sugar or carbs for an energy boost?
- Did you start doubting yourself or become self-critical out of nowhere?
- Are you suddenly anxious, angry, or negative when you weren’t before this?
- Or do you feel shamed, controlled, or judged for what you believe in?
And if that’s not enough to help you decide, consider the fact that there are 7 different types of toxic people.
Yes, you read that right.
7 energy vampires trying to bring you down.
But, that’s only if you let them of course.
So you don’t get to that point, let’s talk about what these guys act like.
The 7 Toxic People to Watch Out For
The toxic people in your life may wear one or more of the following masks.
Don’t be surprised if you see an overlap in a few different categories.
If that happens, you really need to cut ties with that person.
1. Narcissist
The Narcissist is probably the easiest vampire to spot.
These people act as if they’re the center of the Universe and everything and everyone revolves around them.
Orloff mentions that they have an “inflated sense of importance and entitlement” and that they “require endless praise.”
If you want any sort of approval from narcissists, you’ll need to pay them a compliment first.
Narcissists also like having control — if you’re not doing it their way, they’ll throw the silent treatment or a few huffs and puffs your way.
Judith also talks about how whenever they ask for a favor, you can bet there’s strings attached.
And when it comes to relationships with a narcissist, it’s even harder to leave.
Try to do that and they’ll fire back with gaslighting — a technique to make you sound like you’re making a crazy situation out of nothin’.
Orloff also mentions that narcissists have a manipulating way of rewriting history and denying certain things ever took place.
You may notice dismissive behaviors that make you feel as if you were crazy/stupid/whatever for bringing it up in the first place.
And if that wasn’t enough, Judith mentions that narcissists can be the most destructive ones so it really pays to keep yourself protected from these people.
Here’s how to do just that, according to Orloff:
- It’s time to lower your expectations with them. But for real this time. Stop expecting something that’s never going to happen.
- Watch out for manipulation and don’t fall “victim” to it
- “Don’t expect a narcissist to respect your needs and sensitivities – they are extremely cold people”
- If possible, “avoid working with them”
1 energy vampire down, 6 more to go.
That brings us to the rager.
2. Rageaholic
Have you ever been in a screaming match with someone?
Chances are, you’re dealing with a rageaholic.
These people usually yell to get their views across and they tend to resort to “accusing, attacking, and controlling” behaviors.
You may have heard someone say they “blacked out” or “saw red” and don’t remember what happened. That’s probably a rageaholic.
Rageaholics also say hurtful things on purpose and in the moment. They usually regret it later but in the moment they use it as a weapon to cut deep.
And they’re also likely to hurt those who are the closest to them.
It’s pretty easy to spot a rager but how should you deal with them?
Here’s how, according to Orloff:
- Stop screaming back and remain calm.
- Shouting back will only add lighter fluid to the situation.
- Next, “Let them know you hear them”
- As silly as it sounds, “Set a ‘no yelling’ rule”
- When your blood starts to boil, pause and take a minute to regroup
- “Practice restraint with your speech in all forms”
- “Leave the room or ask the person to leave if they won’t stop yelling”
The next vampire on the list is one that we all fall victim to at times.
3. The Victim
We all know someone who plays the victim card.
Somehow, their stress is worse than the rest of us and the world is against them.
Can’t anything go right for once?
These people don’t take responsibility for the things that happen in their lives, according to Orloff.
Instead, they blame other people and things as the reason why they’re upset.
Victims have a really good habit of sucking you in.
As you try to give them what seems like helpful solutions, they always come back with, “Yes, but…”
This is followed up with a verbal diarrhea of complaints.
Hanging out with victims like this can leave you feeling mentally drained and physically exhausted.
That’s why it’s crucial that you protect yourself anytime you see the victim card get pulled.
Here’s Orloff’s solution for dealing with these people:
- You must “set compassionate and clear boundaries.” Don’t feel obligated to help them if it’s going to stress you out.
- The 3 minute phone call technique can also help keep the floodgates of negativity locked and tucked away.
- Practice responding with a clear “no” with a smile
- “Set limits with your body language”
The next toxic person on the list has the same verbal diarrhea that plagues the victims, except for this time they use their voice to stir the pot.
4. Drama King or Queen
We all have that one friend or coworker who just doesn’t stop gossiping.
Did you see what she posted on Facebook? Ugh, I can’t believe it.
Yeah, well he told me their house is in foreclosure.
You get the point.
These toxic jerks feed off the drama.
They’re all about staying up to date on the latest gossip and they can’t help but to keep digging for more info.
Here’s the thing about gossip though: it usually comes from an insecure place.
Whatever is being shared is usually a deep secret/fear/cause of shame within the person gossipping that’s being exposed.
So instead of the spotlight on them, they turn it to the person they’re gossipping about.
It’s a stupid ploy to make one person feel better about themselves.
But here’s the thing, everyone ends up feeling worse afterwards.
Now you’re left wondering if you’re being judged and your own insecurities may surface.
Talk about an unhealthy social group.
And if your work buddies happen to be the gossip posse, it’s time to throw on the antisocial headphones and let them know you just don’t want to hear it. #OnlyGoodVibes
Here’s some other tips from the pro:
- Do yourself a favor and don’t bother asking how these people are doing. This WILL open up the floodgates to who said what.
- Take some deep breaths anytime you get stuck in the crossfires of gossip. If you can politely tune them out, go for it. Hopefully they’ll get the hint that you don’t want any part of that.
- “Set kind but firm limits”
That last point is also a good one to keep in mind when it comes to this next toxic person.
5. Control Freaks and Critics
Let me ask you: did you have one or more parent(s) who was/were critical?
Or did you experience criticism early on from a teacher, sibling, or coach?
This is usually in the form of unsolicited opinions and the ol’ “You know what you should do?”
You’ll also see this as a constant nitpicking behavior and always pointing out how you didn’t do something right.
Without calling out people, I do find that older generations were taught to be super critical (think: your parent’s parents). That was how you made sure kids stayed on track and made their way to a successful life.
But this strategy created a mountain of emotional baggage for many people.
Feelings of inadequacy, or never feeling approval, and tons of doubt surfaced as a result.
People are so scared to be themselves that they’d rather live their entire lives as a secret then to be honest with critical people in their life.
This breaks my heart as I’m sure it does the same for you.
Here’s how you can do your part to break the cycle:
- “Be assertive. Don’t tell these people what to do since it will only make them defensive”
- As soon as they criticize you, ask them to stop right in that moment
- Don’t wait to bottle it up for later
- Acknowledge it as it’s happening and with a calm delivery (i.e. no rageaholic behavior)
You may find that some people really don’t realize they’re doing it — it’s that ingrained in their mechanics.
And if you do find yourself “feeling inadequate around a controller or critic, identify the self esteem issue that’s being triggered and focus on healing it.”
The next vampire on the list is one that is often confused with the drama king/queen one.
6. Non Stop Talker
Remember that verbal diarrhea I mentioned earlier?
It also rears its ugly head with this type of personality too.
This time, instead of telling you about other people’s lives, these toxic folks are spilling out theirs whether you want to hear it or not.
Orloff so aptly puts it: “[They] trap you and recount their life stories without pausing for a breath,” and, “don’t give any openings to interrupt them or contribute to the conversations.”
It’s exhausting talking to these people since it’s just a monologue at that point.
You may also find that non stop talkers also get closer and closer to you as they speak.
They have no concept of personal space and can easily invade your good energy.
Here’s how to keep these people in check:
- Nonverbal cues don’t work here. So instead of looking at your phone or watch 10 times, you need to just interrupt them.
- But…be tactful about it.
- Orloff also mentions you can “State a request — I want to add to the conversation”
- Humor is never a bad idea either. Try: “The clock is ticking”
6 energy vampires down. 1 more to go.
7. Passive Aggressive People
Passive aggressive people are another group that’s easy to spot.
They try to sugarcoat how they’re feeling by burying things under a fake smile and they think no one notices it.
It’s really laughable.
To your face, they’re sincere.
Yet, they often flake, procrastinate, and come up with lame excuses for why they were late or couldn’t make something as promised.
Don’t believe this bs.
Another red flag with these people is their sarcasm. They use it to poke fun at you in the guise that it’s just a joke and, “Can’t you take a joke?”
And just like with narcissists, you’ll find these people sulking when they dont get what they want. Except, if you ask them, they’ll reply that “nothing is wrong.”
Don’t be fooled by this childish behavior.
Here’s the solution:
- When that behavior surfaces, acknowledge it right away
- And when you do, focus on one thing at a time. Otherwise, you’ll come across as attacking and overwhelming
- If you’re getting an answer that doesn’t seem right, ask the person to clarify things before there’s a miscommunication that leads to a huge blow up
You probably don’t need any more signs, but, just in case, this next section includes some other major warnings to watch out for.
Other Toxic Behaviors to Pay Attention To
If you see these five tendencies, run quick:
- Refusal to apologize or take any accountability. This is usually done through projecting behaviors. They may also shift the focus to other things that are unrelated and way less important
- Use manipulation to get their way, even if they need to twist things to do so
- They teeter between being affectionate and distant
- “They’re unamused by your good news”
- They also “exaggerate how much they do as compared to you”
Now that you know what to look for and how to combat these toxic people, you’re ready to protect yourself from any negativity thrown your way.
If you can’t get away from this person, use the strategies in today’s guide and you’ll be safe.
And if you have the ability to get out…do it and don’t look back!
These toxic people are draining your positive energy which causes both mental and physical exhaustion. Two things you don’t need. Amiright?
If you’re struggling with a toxic person, I encourage you to head on over to my private Facebook group to chat. I’ll be there ready to answer any questions you have.
Thanks for reading today’s guide too! I hope you enjoyed it.