“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” – Brene Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.
I want you to read that quote one more time before you continue on with this article.
“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
How many times have you wanted to do something but felt that you couldn’t because everything wasn’t in perfect order and just right?
I would workout today but it’s so late now that it’s not even worth it.
Well, I already ate a cookie so the rest of my eating is ruined for the day. I might as well start my diet tomorrow.
I’m too busy with work, maybe next month I’ll start working on my goals.
You can replace those statements with anything else in your life where you’re putting things off because the perfection stars just aren’t aligning right now.
But the reality is, most of us are holding ourselves to standards that are far too high and virtually impossible to achieve.
And that’s preventing us from making any progress and keeps us stuck.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have goals or that you should make easy ones that you know you can accomplish.
Rather, it’s about being able to start and continue making progress even when things aren’t perfect.
So how do you do that?
I’ll share some tips for combating perfectionism in today’s guide but, before I get to those, I want to dive into perfectionism a little more, using information from Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, to give you a better idea of what’s going on first.
Where Perfectionism Comes From
According to Brene Brown, these perfectionist tendencies stem from trying to seek approval and acceptance early on.
Maybe you were raised in a household that valued achievement or performance, as Dr. Brown mentions.
This can be anything from having to keep up with appearances, getting the highest grades, having the best manners, and alway having to keep strict rules in mind.
Along the way, as she points out, this creates a debilitating belief system where your value is only based on what you can accomplish and how well you do so.
Dr. Brown so perfectly puts it as: Please. Perform. Perfect.
She goes on to say that it’s okay to strive for improvement in a healthy way.
This looks like asking yourself how can I improve each day? and taking the necessary steps to do so.
On the other hand, perfectionism is more focused on what will they think?
That last part is something almost all of us can relate to — I know I’m guilty of it.
We’re naturally concerned with what people think to the point that it sometimes holds us back.
And that’s exactly the big issue here:
The Problems With Perfectionism
Dr. Brown discussed studies on perfectionism which discovered:
- It holds people back from reaching success
- It can lead to addiction issues, anxiety, depression, and life paralysis (“opportunities you miss because you’re too afraid to put anything out into the world because it may be imperfect”)
- It creates a fear of failure where people don’t follow their dreams because they’re afraid of not making it, making mistakes, or letting others down
Another standout point Dr. Brown mentions here is that, “It’s a terrifying risk when you’re a perfectionist. Your self-worth is on the line.”
Can you relate to any of those feelings?
There’s plenty of times I know I can.
And this is still just the tip of the iceberg here.
These are the other issues that come up with being a perfectionist:
Using Perfection to Avoid Painful Feelings
Dr. Brown also points out that perfectionism is self-destructive and leads to an addictive belief system where you think:
“If I look perfect, live perfect, and do everything perfect, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame.”
But, as you may have experienced, this is an exhausting way to go about life and it doesn’t work.
No one can be perfect, especially not all of the time, which is the next problem here.
Perfectionism is Impossible to Achieve
You’ve heard it and Dr. Brown confirms, there’s no such thing as perfect.
She calls this an unattainable goal that’s more about perception — you want to be perceived as perfect.
Dr. Brown rightfully calls this self-destructive, especially since there’s no way you can control other people’s perceptions of you — they may never be perfect enough for someone else’s standards.
So instead of wasting so much time and energy on trying to achieve the impossible, you can cut yourself some slack knowing you are doing the best you can.
Perfectionism is Addictive
Dr. Brown also warns that perfectionism tendencies can spiral into an addictive behavior in an attempt to avoid shame and judgement.
The more you can keep up this perfectionism lifestyle, the more you can avoid those uncomfortable feelings, right?
It doesn’t work like that unfortunately.
Those feelings don’t surface because you weren’t perfect enough, as Dr. Brown mentions.
Rather, these feelings are bound to surface because they’re part of the normal human experience — we all go through them.
And if you approach this with a perfectionist stance, these feelings are often worse and magnified — so the very pain you try to avoid you actually increase your chances of experiencing.
Dr. Brown says this can lead to a self-blame cycle where you think it’s your fault and that you’re not good enough.
The sad part is it doesn’t stop there.
Perfectionism Has a Ripple Effect
Another great point Dr. Brown makes that I want to share is that these perfectionism tendencies “don’t happen in a vacuum,” as she states.
Instead, it has a domino effect that affects those around us.
She mentions that you can pass this on to your kids, spouse, and throughout your workplace (with unrealistically high expectations) and that it can suffocate your friends and family.
Yikes, right?!
The good news is that Dr. Brown also offers some great tips for working on this, which I’ll share next.
How to End Perfectionism Once and For All
There’s a few steps that Dr. Brown suggests taking to start combating perfectionism:
1. Understand and Accept that Shame and Judgement Are Universal Experiences
Dr. Brown mentions that you need to start getting comfortable with the fact that shame, blame, and judgement are all part of the normal human experience.
Despite our best efforts to control these, they’ll likely surface at some point in your life.
When they do, practice this next strategy:
2. Develop a Shame Resilience
If you know you’re doing the best you can, don’t let shame or judgement knock you down.
Instead, as Dr. Brown suggests, have compassion for yourself and embrace your imperfections.
Do this and you’ll start to develop shame resilience.
Dr. Brown brought up Dr. Kristin Neff’s work and mentioned that, when you embrace these uncomfortable emotions, your true gifts start to surface.
Connection, courage, and compassion all come to light when you can let go of the shame and judgement that holds you back, according to Dr. Neff.
Dr. Neff also shares three more ways to develop this resilience:
- Practice self-kindness. Instead of beating yourself up for making mistakes, start being warm and understanding. Often times what you say to yourself isn’t anything like what you’d tell someone in person. So start being nicer to yourself.
- Recognize this as a shared experience. No one wants to make mistakes and be humiliated. It’s inevitable that we all want to avoid this. But sometimes it happens, even to the best of us. When it does, remember it’s something we all go through and it’s not just specific to you.
- Aim for mindfulness. Instead of suppressing your negative emotions, pay attention to them and be more mindful when they surface. Counteract them with self-compassion and kindness (see the first point here). You’re doing the best you can, remember that!
3. Know That Showing Up IS Enough
I love that Dr. Brown points out that you should believe that showing up is enough, and I couldn’t agree more.
I find this advice super helpful when it comes to not wanting to workout or cook a healthy meal.
If I don’t feel like doing either, especially if I’m scared of failing at it, I try to show up for at least 20 minutes.
By then, I’m usually movin’ and groovin’ and over the I’m not doing this right hump.
Whatever it is that you’re scared or hesitant to do, get yourself out there for 10-20 minutes and you’ll quickly discover that it wasn’t as bad as you thought.
Go for a walk. Try a new recipe. Talk to your loved one.
Whatever it is that you’re stuck on, know that taking the first step is all you need right now. The rest will come.
4. Lower Your Expectations
I would also add that lowering your expectations is a huge help to combating perfectionism.
You can’t expect to run a marathon in a few weeks yet this is exactly how we view weight loss and our other goals.
If the scale doesn’t budge fast enough, we believe our hard work hasn’t paid off.
I know I’ve been guilty of that.
In the last few months of working hard, I’ve gone up and down the same 2-4 pounds.
But guess what, I also lost 9.5 inches overall.
So instead of getting hung up on the perfect weight, I’m focusing on the behaviors that will help get me where I want to be.
I’m also getting rid of unrealistic goals and expectations to make way for ones that actually make sense.
Tracking inches has shown me that you can make progress even when you don’t think anything is happening.
So the next time you decide you can’t workout or eat healthy, consider taking the 10-20 minutes to do so and you’ll be surprised what you can achieve if you kept this up each day.
From there, think about the goals you’ve set for yourself and the high standards you’re trying to achieve to see if you need to scale back to a realistic level.
As long as you’re giving it your best each time, you should accept this as good enough.
Take the pressure off yourself and you’ll find it’s much easier to get closer to your goals and enjoy this beautiful life of yours.
Nix Perfectionism and Unrealistic Expectations Today
If you’ve made it to this point, you have a lot of information under your belt.
I hope the points in this article don’t overwhelm you and instead give you an idea of how to combat perfectionism so you can end it once and for all.
I would also encourage you to check out Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection (not an affiliate link). The points for this guide came from a chapter in that book — it was hard to choose just one, they were all helpful and eye-opening.
On that note, I’d love to hear what you thought of this guide.
Let me know in the comments below!
To ending the need for perfectionism,
Devan