What do you think makes people unhappy?
A horrible upbringing?
An unfulfilled career or marriage?
Lack of confidence?
You could insert so many answers here.
But I’d guess that 99% of them would be wrong.
Luckily, I’m sharing the correct answer in today’s article. It’s one that I stumbled upon thanks to Emily Esfahani Smith’s amazing Ted Talk.,
Her message was so powerful, I had to share it.
Without wasting any more time, I’ll get right to the point:
Here’s The Real Reason Behind Our Unhappiness
Emily Esfahani Smith believes that the reason behind this unhappiness is that we lack meaning in our lives.
The kind of meaning she’s referring to is the sense of “belonging to and serving something beyond yourself,” and, “from developing the best within you.”
Instead of being obsessed with happiness, we should seek meaning instead, according to Smith, because that’s “the more fulfilling path.”
Her research showed that people who focus on meaning instead of happiness are:
- More resilient
- They do better in school and work
- And they live longer
Who wouldn’t want all of those benefits? I mean, Sign. Me. up.
Okay so we need to live more meaningfully, that’s it?
Not so fast.
That’s only part of it.
And there’s a bit more work to be done here.
You’re Only a Pillar (or 4) Away From Enjoying a Meaningful Life
There are four pillars we must tackle in order to live a meaningful life, according to Emily Esfahani Smith.
Before you go rolling those eyes at what sounds like a ginormous task (I mean 4 pillars just sounds grand), there’s good news here: you can start creating a meaningful life by building some of those pillars and you don’t have to tackle them all at once…unless you want to of course.
Let’s take a look at the first pillar:
Pillar #1: Belonging
We all need to belong. It’s our human nature to want to feel part of our communities.
But I’m not talking Mean Girls lunchroom-click-y-belonging.
Because cheap forms like this, where who you are matters very little and what you believe in is key, don’t give you a sense of belonging.
We need to feel valued in our relationships, according to Smith, for who we are as is. Flaws and all.
And we need to do the same for others.
Here’s how that looks these days, according to Smith: When you’re with a friend or family member, you shouldn’t check your phone/email/latest notification. Because when you do these things, “you make people feel invisible and unworthy,” and you’re “not acknowledging them.”
I’d argue that showing up late is also up there.
If you’re not giving your full attention to other people, your sense of belonging is going to get smaller and smaller. And what starts out as a small disconnect can easily snowball into some major unhappiness.
But that doesn’t have to be the case and you can fix that by being more present in your relationships. After all, they are the key to a good life.
I’ll leave off on this pillar with a brilliant quote from Smith: “Lead with love and you’ll create a bond that lifts each of you up.”
Another key ingredient to living a meaningful life is having purpose. I’ll tackle this next.
Pillar #2: Purpose
I loved everything Smith had to say on this pillar so 95% of this section is coming from her:
“Without something worthwhile to do, people flounder.”
Most of us try to find jobs we enjoy since we spend so much of our time there.
But that’s not always going to give us our purpose. And that’s a big difference.
Smith says “it’s about what you give,” and, “using your strengths to serve others.”
She continues with: “Purpose gives you something to live for. It’s the why that drives you forward.”
I encourage you to think about how you are using your strengths to serve others.
When I do the same for my life, I quickly realize how I could be serving others more.
And that’s become a much bigger priority in my life because of that. It’s right up there with building quality relationships based on love.
The next pillar is one that most of us don’t pay enough attention too either.
Pillar #3: Transcendence
I’ll leave this up to Smith again:
“We need transcendence in life — those rare moments when you’re lifted above the hustle and bustle of life and everything fades away, even your sense of self, and you’re lifted above a higher reality.”
Get lost in moments.
And start working on your story.
Pillar #4: Storytelling
What is your story?
Have you ever stopped to sit and think about your narrative?
What about the one you’re telling yourself?
According to Smith, “Creating a narrative of your life helps brings clarity. It helps you understand how you became you.”
And it could be the missing ingredient that’s holding you back in life.
Smith also mentions:
- We are the authors of our stories
- And we can change the way we’re telling them
- Your life isn’t just a series of events
- You have the power to change your story
No, she’s not saying pretend your new story is one of riches and packed with lies. Rather, “you can edit, interpret, and retell your story even when constrained by the facts.”
You can “weave a different story.”
She also mentions that stories that “focus on redemption, growth, and love” are best.
How you can apply this in your life:
- It’s time to write down your story
- Get every milestone, important memory, and everything in between down on paper
- Read it out loud when you’re done
- Now it’s time to rewrite it
Smith also points out:
- You’re not going to change overnight here just because you wrote your story down
- And there’s a good chance painful memories will surface
- If you can embrace the painful ones, you’ll uncover new insights and wisdom
- By doing this, you’ll find that good that sustains you
But before you go, there’s two more points of Smith’s worth mentioning.
- This takes work. You’re going to have to roll up your sleeves and dive into the mud.
It’s also something you should constantly be updating and adding to.
- Sometimes you will get off track. No biggy. Hop back on that wagon and don’t look back.
The more you can focus on these four pillars and finding meaning in your life, the better off you’ll be.
If you want to continue the chat, head over to my private Facebook group.
Or you can email me direct at devan@behappynothangry.com.
You know I heart you,
Devan